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Old 01-02-2006, 05:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Talking New Rules For 2006..................

NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: lucky ********.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *** hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
huge *** hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too ******
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing
that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll
go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I
zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to
wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place
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Old 01-02-2006, 05:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................



LMAO too funny!!
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Old 01-02-2006, 05:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

LOL............so funny !
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Old 01-02-2006, 10:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

Good one Cayenne
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Old 01-02-2006, 11:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
 
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

as usual.............
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Old 01-03-2006, 12:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
 
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

Bill Maher does new rules on his HBO show-not George Carlin.
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Old 01-03-2006, 06:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

I copied and pasted it from an email I got. But ya know what? I appreciate your awareness and you have made me feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me for that little bit of information you have been so kind to offer. Thanks so much! I will make sure I let the person know that forwarded to me.
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Old 01-03-2006, 07:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

^^ Even funnier :lol:
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Old 01-03-2006, 07:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

lol!
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Old 01-03-2006, 09:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: New Rules For 2006..................

Who cares who said it !!!! It's absolutely hilarious!
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