body tan

Any body got some good jokes? Have not heard a good one in a while.

pcomo

This is not exactly a joke, but I just read it and thought it was pretty funny. Who knows if this interview ever really took place.

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

I don't care who you are, that's funny!!!

pcomo

Hillbilly Medical Terms

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Benign... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.
Colic... A sheep dog.
Coma... A punctuation mark.
D&C... Where Washington is.
Dilate... To live long.
Enema... Not a friend.
Fester... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula... A small lie.
G.I.Series... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.
Node... I knew it.
Outpatient... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room... Place to do upholstery.
Rectum... darn near killed him.
Secretion... Hiding something
Seizure... Roman emperor.
Tablet... A small table.
Terminal Illness... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor... More than one.
Urine... Opposite of mine.
Varicose... Near by/close by

pcomo

Actual Court Transcripts:
--------------------------
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

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Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

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Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

--------------------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information from your minds, if you have any.

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Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

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Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted
to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints
on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

--------------------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

--------------------
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

--------------------
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

--------------------
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

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Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

--------------------
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

--------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

--------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

--------------------
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

--------------------
Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

-----------------------
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

-----------------------------
Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy!

pcomo

Three women - One German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were
sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her
forearm and the beeped stopped. The others looked at her
questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her
palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my
cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone,
she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She
stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned
with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting
a fax! !"

pcomo

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife.
The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak -- blood rare," the man says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

pcomo

A blonde flips her car...the police officers arrive 5 minutes later and asks what happened. The blonde says "there was a tree in the middle of the road, so I swerved to the left to miss it, but there was a tree to the left, so i swerved to right to miss it, but there was tree there as well, so swerved back to left and there was a tree there too!" The officer says "Hang on a minute that wasn't a tree -- that's your air freshener!"

pcomo

Where can you find a turtle with no legs?


Right where you left it.

pcomo

A three legged dog walked into a bar and told the bartender."I'me looking for the man who shot my paw."

pcomo

Every morning Bill Clinton takes a jog around Chapaqua. Each day he passes a hooker on a particular street corner and, as he goes by, she shouts out "fifty dollars," and he replies "no, five dollars!"

This continues for several days. He runs by, she says "fifty dollars," and he says "no, five dollars!"

One day Hillary decides that she wants to go jogging with Bill. As they are approaching the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realizes that the hooker will bark out her $50 offer and that he will have some explaining to do with the First Lady. As they turn the corner, Bill is still in a quandary as to what to do. Sure enough there is the hooker.

The hooker looks up as Bill and Hillary jog by and yells to Bill, "See what you get for five dollars?"