TotalEclipse

Since Mitzi did the "welcome to Tennessee" thread, I thought I would do one for us Texans on the boards. I'm sure we've all read these at one point in time, but they're still funny!
You Know You're in Texas When...

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water...

You can say 110 degrees without fainting...

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off...

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly...

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car...

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window...

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance...

Hot water now comes out of both taps...

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets...

You actually burn your hand opening the car door...

You break a sweat the instant you step outside... at 7:30 a.m. before work...

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?...

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state...


_________________
"The Original Total Eclipse!!!" Accept no imitations....lol.[ This Message was edited by: TotalEclipse on 2005-03-25 15:34 ]

TotalEclipse

Oh and for those of us in Dallas....here's a little more fun!!

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL--US, not DAL-ISS

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray". There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth."

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. PERIOD.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road... all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman, TX.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.

LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is Spring, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If it is Fall, the Texas State Fair is going on.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his 'yard', run over him.

All amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

With these simple rules in mind, you are now ready to drive in Dallas. Please try and keep up.

playitagainenterprises

We are on the north side of Ft Worth and have stuff shipped from Dallas b/c its almost immpossible to get that 25 miles with out using the entire day ...
Ft Worth worth is just as bad thats funny!!

Tephony

[ This Message was edited by: playitagainenterprises on 2005-03-25 14:12 ]

Sherin

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, a lot of the could just change the names and you would be in Seattle...
And yes, you can go west/east on I405 which is a North/south Freeway.... (We don't have beltways here)...but we do have floating bridges... The other peculiarity I found in Texas, is what are Feeder Roads? Nobody has been able to explain their existance to me yet....

TotalEclipse

lol Sherin....the feeder roads are the roads that run alongside the freeways/highways/tollways, etc. Think of them as "feeding" you onto and off of them. Now, we all tend to call any road alongside the freeways a feeder road, but in some cities (I know San Antonio is one of them), there is an actual exit called Feeder Road....so it can be a wee bit confusing....but at least someone finally answered your question!!!!

TotalEclipse

Oh..and another thing I noticed.....your traffic starts early there!! I arrived at 3pm last Wed, and by the time we got near downtown, there were already backups on both sides!! I was amazed...usually rush hour traffic starts around 4:30ish....guess you Seattle people don't work those late hours!!

Lauren6568

LOL Total... Dallas Tollway is for sure like Nascar...lol everytime I get on that road it is always atleat 85..cops cant be on the shoulder, b/c there isn't one..every once in a while you see them hiding in an empty toll-booth... Drove on 635 today and went past all the high five stuff and the whole time I was just like omg just let me make it home in one piece. LOL very funny post TOTAL

MATT A

What you have that many cops on the tollway?

missmojorising

The Top 40 things you would never hear a Texan say, no matter how
Much they've had to drink, no matter how far from Texas they've wandered:
40. Oh, I just couldn't. ****, she's only sixteen.
39 I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off the steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than esspresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.

And the number one thing is:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

TotalEclipse

) Very funny Miss!! Sadly very true too! Except for the sweet tea one...I actually prefer mine unsweetened...I guess I'm not a true Texan!!!!