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Old 02-23-2007, 09:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
 
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BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/lifestyle/living/chi-0702220019feb22,1,6140822.column?coll=ch i-living-hed&ctrack=1&cset=true


Is tanning really beyond the pale? Maybe not . . .


Published February 22, 2007


Last year, I wrote a column about people addicted to tanning. It was pretty much a rip job with a lot of scientific mumbo-jumbo about serotonin boosting and the like. You know, the leathery skin, the skin cancer and the tanning booths.

To those of you who were offended by me not getting with and understanding the technology, I apologize. I have begun tanning myself.

I claim that I go tanning for "mental health reasons" since people make fun of guys who tan. That's not entirely false, as I do experience a mental lift directly after tanning. During the winter months in Chicago we can't rely on the sun to get us all of our vitamin D. I don't really know what that means, but I think having vitamin D is better than not having it.

I'm not addicted to tanning, but I like to go at least once a week. You are allowed to tan up to three times a week, so I am well within the "not addicted" category.

The fact of the matter is that I like having the tan lines during winter too. It makes me look rich and well traveled. I'm especially proud of my watch tan line, since it's the one I don't have to pull my shirt up or my pants down to show off. I leave my underpants on when I tan. I think that having tan lines somehow makes the whole thing manlier. My sons don't think that it's manly, however, and they are constantly deriding me. What do they know? They are white and pasty.

One downside to tanning up is that people always want to know where you've been to get your sun. I learned quickly not to say "tanning," especially to other men. I usually snap off some exotic locale like Hawaii, Mexico or the Bahamas. Sometimes I just say I have olive skin. I am of Nordic descent, so that's a bit of a stretch. Sometimes I will actually tell a woman I've been tanning. If they think it's cute, I'll leave it at that. If not, I'll throw in the old mental health reason. I think that it makes me seem vulnerable.

While I'm lying there I feel exactly the way I do when I'm by the pool at a resort. I am overcome with a sensation that momentarily transports me to somewhere warm and tropical. The machine I prefer is the Soltron XL-70 Chill. It looks like a CAT scan machine and seems to be the Rolls Royce of tanning beds. It is very easy to get in and out of because it's not concave like the traditional bed. It has a radio, air conditioning and jets that spray me with refreshing scented water. I feel like I'm in a groovy rocket ship that's heating up during re-entry.

The Soltron is up front at the tanning place because it's a showcase machine. The cute tanned girl has to go in and draw the blinds before I enter the room. I always tell her I think it's a good idea to shut the blinds because a semi-naked me can't be good for business. I hope no one ever snaps a photo of me lying there in my underpants with those plastic goggles on my face. I've also noticed that I have a roasted sort of smell to me after a tanning session. Not exactly a beefy smell, but more like that of a roast chicken.

Once again, I apologize. I feel the vitamin D and serotonin coursing through my veins. I look healthier and that makes me feel good too. I am not addicted, but I am enjoying the sights, smells and the contact with the fairer sex. I don't want to scare the girls at my tanning place with this, but it's a fact and a lovely fringe benefit. I still don't understand the spray-on tan, but who knows, maybe by next year I'll be into that too.
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

Great article!!!! Somebody should send it to that moron so-called reporter in Denver.... Hint, hint!
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
 
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

Now where is his address again? argh
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

I thought maybe Belvy would want to slap that jerk with some realism?
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

great post :)
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Old 02-23-2007, 10:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

Yes, I know!!! He always finds the bestest stuf....How does he do it?
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Old 02-23-2007, 11:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

too late to read. keep this on bumped up , K?
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Old 02-23-2007, 11:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
 
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

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Old 02-23-2007, 11:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

oops is right.

<<<<< see my name over yonder?
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Old 02-23-2007, 11:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
 
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Re: BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS! ~ February 22, 2007

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherin View Post
Yes, I know!!! He always finds the bestest stuf....How does he do it?
I have a little helper, undercover............
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